Me and You

I watch from behind the safety of my textbooks

Eyes caught on the way you move

The way your brows furrow in concentration

 

I make it a habit to sit at the back of the class

So I can watch without fear

Of you catching me

 

But that’s okay

Because to you

I’m invisible anyway

 

You sit facing forward

Facing your bright future

You never look back

 

I am constantly in the past

Wondering about the what ifs

What if you turned around?

 


 

I know it seems like I don’t know you exist

Like you’re just another faceless person

Among the many I pass by too often

 

That’s true, I guess

Because I don’t know who you are

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know

 

It’s weird that I’ve only noticed you recently

When we’ve been to the same school for years

Blindness or ignorance, I don’t know

 

Should I be focused on you

Or should I deal with what’s in the future for me

My brain and my heart can’t decide

 

I should try to talk to you

Would that be too weird

When we’re basically just strangers?

 


 

Today I made eye contact with you

It was different

New

 

I didn’t know where to look so i just looked away

But now I wonder

Did you keep staring after?

 

Maybe I should just pick up some courage

Approach you in the hallway

And say a cool, “hey”

 

But maybe that would wreck the illusion

Maybe that would make it real

And I don’t want it to be

 


 

You saw me staring at you today

I had to look away

I had never been so startled

 

I kept looking from the corner of my eye

Trying to see if you noticed

Trying to see you again

 

I should do something about us

Message you on Facebook

Something about school to distract from the truth

 

What could go wrong?

Everything

I don’t want to stop deluding myself

 


 

I feel like I’m looking for excuses

Excuses to talk to you

Excuses to be near you

 

None of those conversations count

Because they’re not real

But it’s better than nothing

 


 

Sometimes I wish that we would have to work together

On something for school

A real reason for us to interact

 

It’s sad how much I want that to be true

But it keeps me from giving up hope

I guess that’s better than nothing

 


 

My eyes always want to linger on you

To trace the contours of your face

To see the flecks of gold in yours

 

But I always look away

Because I know that if I stare for too long

You’ll know what I’m saying wordlessly

 

You’ll know by the telltale blush in my cheeks

The way my eyes are widened slightly

To take in more of you

 

You’ll know by the stutter in my speech

The cold sweat gleaming at my temple

The jerky movements

 

You’ll know because I can’t hide it

Not when we’re face to face

Not when we are so  c l o s e

 


 

I want to intertwine our hands

Feel the comfort of your fingers against mine

Calluses and long nails and all

 

But my hands stay cold

And I try to stay calm

Knowing that you are right there beside me

 

My arms are tingling

Fingers moving erratically

Nervously shaking, I can’t stay still

 

I feel so exposed

I feel like you can tell

I have to move away

 

Maybe some other day

Maybe when I can face you

When I can handle being so close to you

 


 

When I pass you in the hall

I walk really slow just as you near

And then really fast once you’re next to me

 

I give you extra space so we don’t touch

I don’t want to know if there’s a spark

If such a thing even exists

 


 

When I see you in the hallway

I try to pretend I don’t see you

Because I’m too aware that you’re there

 

So close to me, but still so far away

Are we ever going to talk?

Or is this the only thing we’ll ever have?

 


 

Sometimes I want to breach the silence

To do something totally random

Like run up to you and hug you

 

But there is a pattern here

Some sort of barrier established

How I wished it wasn’t there

 


 

Sometimes my feelings get the better of me

And I have to stop myself

From doing something stupid

 

I know I should respect your space

But I wish that we could be

Closer than we really are

 


 

My fingers hover over the keyboard

The message left unsent

I want to know what it’s really like to talk to you

 

But I delete the words again

Retype them

And then delete delete delete

 


 

I see the speech bubble appear

I freeze, waiting for your message to appear

Then it’s gone, just like that

 

My hands hover over the keyboard

Trembling fingers almost pressing down

I have to force myself to close the tab

 


 

What will it take to close this distance

To bridge the gap

Of four rows of desks

 

I spend my days staring at the back of your head

Studying your face while you’re laughing

Always laughing

 

You make me want to be more

More than I am

More than I can be

 

I see your lip curve in a smile

And it is not the first time

That I wish you would smile at me

 


 

Am I ever going to cross the gap

Take the jump

A leap of faith when I have none

 

I stare at the reflection from the window

Catching glimpses of you now and then

Always in thought

 

I want to do more because of you

I want to become someone better

Someone I’m not right now

 

And as you talk to your friends

While I talk to mine

I keep wishing we could talk to each other instead

 


 

How long is it going to take

Until one of us is brave enough

 


 

How long is it going to take

Until one of us takes a chance

 

 

 

 

 

Special Feature from Jasper Chan

 

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